Sensitive Savage

Change

I seem to have dropped my people pleasing habit. Altogether.

I call a spade a spade, and don’t engage with anyone who tries to manipulate me or pull me down or add any negativity to my life.

I was the nice girl for a long time. I gave people the benefit of doubt, considered their problems and was kind. But I think, quite a few times, I was just doing it because I wanted them to like me. I didn’t want them to say something hurtful to me, that involved my past. I think I didn’t want them to say ‘she deserved what she got’.

I don’t care anymore. Call it confidence, call it whatever. I know what I deserve, and what people say is irrelevant.

I don’t know where this will take me. But, it’s okay. I know what I am doing, and it’s a choice I’ve made.

Happiness

‘You’re only as happy as you choose to be’, ‘Happiness is a choice’- I’m sure everyone has read these quotes. Every time I read something like this, I would just roll my eyes.

But, perhaps, these quotes aren’t completely off the mark. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. Life will never be perfect. Even when you get that goal, that relationship, that job, you’ll never be truly happy, unless you decide to be happy. You can search for flaws in your life and complain, or you can use that energy in looking for and appreciating the good things, the joys- big and small. There will always be the next goal, but nothing will fulfil you completely. So maybe the answer lies in appreciation and gratitude and acceptance. It is what it is, and I choose to see the good in it.

We’re here, we’re alive. Life isn’t always fair but there is always something to be grateful for.

The Curse of Productivity

Today, I have to remind myself that I don’t need to be productive all the time. I don’t know when I started putting this pressure on myself that I constantly need to be doing something that has meaning. I used to be the kind of girl who lived by ‘dolce far niente’. When did that change?

Actually, I know the answer. It changed when my marriage failed, and I thought I had to prove my worth to the world. By working, by having a purpose and by being busy. It was then, that I started judging other women for their lack of careers. But to be honest, I was just jealous of them. Jealous because they didn’t have to prove anything. They belonged.

Anyway, that craving to prove something just turned into a habit, over the years. And I was doing okay when life was normal and the pandemic hadn’t hit. I could go to work and just be occupied.

But, as is with every other area of my life, this year has made me reflect on this part as well. And with reflection, comes realisation. This particular realisation was not a very happy one.

In theory, I’m aware that I shouldn’t have to prove anything. But, how do I practically change something that has become a part of me? How do I tell myself I’d be enough even if all I did was breathe? Because right now I am doing everything I’m supposed to be doing-I work, I work out, I meditate and whatever else is needed. But it doesn’t feel enough.

Why can’t I just let myself be?

A little thing called Love

I used to think I was unlucky in love. However, the more I think about it, the more I realise I’ve never been in love. The crushes or infatuations or attraction were labeled as love by me.

Isn’t it weird? Someone who is in love with the idea of being in love, has never really been in love. That was one strange sentence.

I don’t necessarily know what love is. It’s obviously not limited to romance. That used to be my definition of love. Not anymore. I’ve decided I cant define it. I haven’t experienced it, so I’ll leave that blank for now. Maybe one day, I will know what it is, and I’ll be able to write about it at length. But until then, I think I’ll allow it to stay untouched, instead of giving it a vague meaning, based on the experiences of others.

God is in control

I’m feeling overwhelmed today. I guess I allowed myself to be consumed by worries of the future, yet again. A part of me knows that God is taking care of me, and that it will all be okay. But the other part of me wants to worry and control everything. Old habits, I guess.

There is no quick fix. I’ll have to deal with some overwhelming and shitty days. And I will, because there always is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll keep my faith. I may not be able to see what God is doing, but I know he’s handling all my problems.

Dive into the Grey

I used to think people don’t change. But I’ve changed so much over the last few years that I don’t recognise the girl I was. Perhaps then, I shouldn’t be so unwilling to believe that others may have done the same.

I don’t think people really are how they act in a difficult situation. We all lose our tempers, we say things we don’t mean and we hurt others. But we’re so much more than that. Maybe it isn’t always black and white. Life happens in the grey areas.

Is that why we’re not supposed to judge people? Because they’re capable of changing? Or because what happens in one situation isn’t a perfect indicator of who they are?

Would it be better to observe patterns, and then decide what we think about them? It’s a little difficult to not form an opinion at all. Or is the solution what I spoke about in another post? That we must keep an open mind, and be willing to change our opinion, because nothing is absolute.

Gotta keep going…

What I spoke about in the last post was heavy and intense. I’m still reeling from all the emotions that came up. But, I am better. It was what it was. I think I just needed to acknowledge it, because I was carrying a lot of shame and guilt.

I’m actually proud of myself. Inspite of everything, I continued to do the things that I promised myself I’d do. I didn’t stop meditating or working out or making my gratitude lists. Oh by the way, my 21 day challenge ends tomorrow. I was successful at it. I mean, yes we still have a day to go. But I’m pretty sure that’ll go well too.

Results? Well, there definitely have been changes in my state of mind. I’m calmer, and I feel like I have a stronger connection with myself. I guess I will continue with it. I like having set goals. They keep me going. Even if it is something small, like making a gratitude list everyday, it just makes me feel good when I complete it.

Discipline has a lot of benefits. I used to hate the word ‘discipline’ but I’ve realised how much it adds to your life. You do what you need to do. Consistently. Even when you’re not motivated, discipline is what gets the job done.

I’m not deliriously happy these days. But I am neutral. I don’t have extreme emotions of joy or sadness. I wonder if that’s a good thing. Oh well, better neutral than neurotic.

Suppressed Emotions

I don’t understand what brought this on. The meditation or spending time with myself or whatever. But today, I found myself feeling very angry. Everything came back to me. The emotional neglect I went through as a kid, the pain of never feeling enough and the emotional unavailability of my parents.

I think I had been suppressing it for the longest time. I had cloaked it with ‘But they do so much for me. They have given me everything’. Here’s the thing though. Financial resources don’t make up for the lack of love. I needed to be loved as a kid, and I wasn’t. Not once did I hear ‘I love you’ or ‘You can do this’ or ‘Believe in yourself’. I was told I couldn’t do it, and that fucked up so many years of my life. The more I accomplish, the more I realise how wrong and cruel that was.

I cannot remember a single instance when my parents appreciated me. I can, however, recall numerous incidents when they put me down.

I’m not saying they wanted to put me through this. It wasn’t intentional. But does that really make it okay? And I don’t want to make excuses for them anymore, because it invalidates what I went through. I need to deeply acknowledge that it happened, and that it was cruel.

It’s something I need to deal with. It happened, and it was wrong, but I won’t let it limit me in any way. I believe in handling things, and I shall overcome this as well.

Another Update.

Hi.

I have been doing everything that I said I would do. My 21 day challenge is going well. And I feel like a different person. Covid may have brought our lives to a standstill, but I’ve achieved a lot this year.

However, I’ve noticed I really cant handle any social media for too long. These days, if I go on reddit and read unnecessarily, it messes with my head. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something that happens every time I become regular on any social media platform.

The solution is obvious. And I have pretty much stopped using Instagram and Facebook. So it’s time to bid adieu to reddit as well.

On a positive note, one amazing thing I’ve noticed is that I am now able to spend time with my thoughts, and I actually feel happier after doing that. For the longest time, I just couldn’t bear to sit with my thoughts. I would get anxious. And now, I feel much calmer. I did talk about mindfulness is one of my previous posts, and honestly, the present moment is beautiful. We just need to allow ourselves to stay in it.

Cancel the Pity Party

I was browsing through various communities on reddit today, and noticed something very disturbing. In fact, I’ve been seeing it for a while now.

People are addicted to their misery. They talk about their problems, and about how much pain they’re in. But they don’t want to do anything about it. It’s like the victim mentality has become their comfort zone, and they just won’t step out of it.

I don’t know if there is a right response when dealing with such people. You can only comfort them for so long. The minute you suggest they do something to get out of their misery, their I cants or buts start. And if you adopt a tough love approach, well then you become the bad person, who cant understand their feelings.

Talking about your problems is fine. No one is asking you to suppress your emotions. But talk is just talk. What are you doing to get out of the situation? And if you aren’t doing anything for yourself, what do you want from others? The tag of ‘poor, helpless soul’? That’s really messed up.

Cry, have a pity party, curse God. But at some point, get off your butt and end the cycle.